This page is a neighbor record of a shop running a residential alley
like an industrial park. Three things here are serious: the noise
(open bays, tools late), the crashes (cars using the alley as an
exit), and the pollution. They blast black tire dust and rim grit into
the alley with an air compressor instead of cleaning it up. Wind
carries it into windows, onto furniture, into lungs.
The petition and 311 buttons are for that mess. The Ferret bits and
the jokes are satire so the rest of it is readable. You don't have to
like the comedy to want a block that can breathe and sleep.
Filing a report or adding your name does not mean you endorse every
joke or opinion on this page. It means you want a residential alley
treated like a residential alley.
Pinned · The block vs. the bay
Physics 101 for the Tire Shop. Common Decency for the Rest of Us.
The alley hits are personal to one house. The thing waking the block
is the noise. Open bays. Pneumatic tools. Sometimes past midnight.
There's a senior center across the street on a residential stretch,
not an industrial park.
Oct 7 · 9:07 PM · bay wide open
Captions cooked up by CapCut. Close enough for government work, not
sworn testimony. Use your own ears.
9:07 is not late for them. It is late for us.
Chicago's residential night limit kicks in at 8:00 PM. This clip opens
at 9:07. Tools going. Door rolled up like a drive-thru for decibels.
And this is not closing time. This is the warm-up. Same alley. Same
open mouth of a garage. Same block trying to sleep.
The setup
A lug nut getting zapped after 9 sounds like a jackhammer in the
living room because it basically is. A commercial air gun runs around
105 dB. Fire that inside a concrete bay with brick walls and leave
every garage door open, and you didn't contain the sound. You built a
forty-foot metal megaphone pointed at the neighborhood. Soundproofing
is not a vibe. It is a door they refuse to shut.
The alley wind tunnel
Sound doesn't politely fade out. Our alley works like an acoustic
canyon. Brick on both sides traps those high-frequency metal slams and
shoots them down the block, north-south and east-west, a hundred fifty
feet easy.
207 inches of zero respect
From their door to the nearest residential bedroom is about 207
inches. At that range, a 105 dB blast lands on neighbor windows around
82 dB.
Normal conversation: about 60 dB
City residential night limit after 8 PM: 55 dB
Impact gun across this alley: about 82 dB. Like a lawnmower in the
kitchen while someone's trying to sleep.
Closing the bay doors or killing the compressor at 8:00 PM isn't
rocket science. Or sell the crotch rocket. Invest in soundproofing.
Stop racing that open-pipe toy up and down a residential alley like
"Fartcan" thinks the block is his personal drag strip. It's the noise
rules already on the books, and basic courtesy to the people who live
here.
Second tell · October 2, 2026 · 9:48 PM
Crash and Dip
Smash and grab is for jewelry. This alley does crash and dip: kiss the
brick, then try to bounce before anyone gets a good look. Friday night.
Open bay. White Tesla. Shop help in the red shirt waving her out like
valet for a hit-and-run.
Alley cam · Oct 2 · master kept offline
Captions cooked up by CapCut. Close enough for government work, not
sworn testimony. Use your own ears.
She's driving a Tesla
Cameras. Sensors. A computer that will scold you for breathing wrong
on the highway. And somehow the wall is still right there. How do you
back into a house in a Tesla? Autopilot for lug nuts, manual for
masonry.
The dip
After the crunch, the door opens. She wants out. The shop guy steps up
and works the exit like this is normal Friday service. Not "are you
okay." Not "let's exchange info." Just clear the alley and go. Crash.
Then dip.
If this happened to your car or your wall, file
311. If you're done watching
the Ferret shrug, add your name.
Third tell · October 2, 2026 · same night · then the next day
Lip Service and Blow Jobs
Same Friday as the Tesla kiss. After the crash, a talk with the
manager about the black stuff. Tire soot. Ground rim metal. Seven
years of blasting it into the alley with an air compressor instead of
vacuuming it. Right outside the windows. Onto furniture. Into lungs.
Oct 2 · 9:54 PM · talk, then the next-day encore
Captions cooked up by CapCut. Close enough for government work, not
sworn testimony. Use your own ears.
The lip service
He gets it. Says it bothers him too. Mentions city calls. The guy in
red even gives him the look like, bro, you are talking too much. For a
minute it sounds like someone heard the block.
The blow job
Next day: same hose, same cloud, same alley. Not a broom. Not a HEPA
vac. Just compressed air turning shop floor dirt into weather for the
neighbors. Agree at night. Blow it again in daylight. That man really
insists on playing with his hose. That is the whole relationship in
two clips.
If black dust is landing in your house, that is not "city living."
File 311.
Add your name if you want the City to
treat this alley like people live here.
Also · cleanup
Cleanup
Open bay. Hose out. Floor getting "cleaned" the usual way. Not a
speech. Not a stunt. Just another pass of air where a broom or a vac
should be.
Alley cam · open bay · air as broom
What the hose is doing
Air compressor as broom. Tire dust, rim grit, black soot with metal in
it, pushed straight into alley air. The City keeps writing violations
for that habit. Paper trail or not, the cloud still leaves the bay.
Seventeen feet
Bay doors sit about seventeen feet from my house. Windows open, that
weather walks in. Lands as black soot on furniture. Goes in your lungs
whether anyone meant it as a show or not. I have asked for it to stop.
Vacuums exist. This is not me playing neighborhood witch. This is the
breaking point, filmed boring on purpose.
Dust in the house again? File
311.
Add your name if you want a broom that is
actually a broom.
Also · CapCut talk
Another Owner
Around here everybody is an owner. I've met enough "owners" that fifty
feels like a fair round number. Exaggeration. Sure. The badge still
gets handed out a lot.
Awkward slice · CapCut captions on purpose
Captions and transcript are CapCut. Some of this talk is muffled.
CapCut skips lines it cannot hear. Close enough for government work,
not sworn testimony. Use your own ears.
From the mouth
What comes through, and what the block already whispers: hate for the
neighborhood. Straight out. Poor thing.
Mutual
I can't speak for the whole neighborhood. I can speak for me. The
feeling is mutual. Close shop. Take the noise somewhere that asked for
an open-bay soundtrack.
Familiar pipe
Same crotch-rocket energy from the Physics tell. Fartcan's alley.
Different day. Same roll of the dice.
Tired of the soundtrack? File
311.
Add your name if you want a residential
alley treated like one.
Throwback · July 23, 2021
Oldie but a Boomie
Weeks of it. White flashes. Boom after boom like flashbangs in a war
movie. Dog under the furniture. Cats gone. My brother, a Marine, was
crashing at my place and even he was looking at me like, what the fuck
is that. I could not place it. Then I did. And no, this is not me
bitching about sparklers on the Fourth. These were M-80s. Red
cylinders. I looked up what an M-80 looks like. House shakes that no
backyard bottle rocket has ever pulled on this block.
Alley cam · July 23, 2021 · oldie on purpose
CapCut edit for the song. In this clip, the person throws one
firework. One. Cuts are timed to the beat, so it can look like
rapid-fire repeats. It is not. Same throw, cut to the music.
Captions are CapCut too. Close enough for government work, not sworn
testimony.
Hey guys, you hearing that?
One day those two from the clip are outside, so I walk out. Hey guys.
Explosions keep happening. What is going on. See anything. They go,
yeah, we keep hearing it too. Think somebody is shooting them over
Cicero Avenue. We'll keep an eye out. Mechanic and a customer vibe. I
believed them. Why wouldn't I.
Then I scrubbed the tape
For some reason the alerts never caught it. So I go back through the
video myself. And there it is. Not Cicero. Right here. Within feet of
my windows. He's holding that red cylinder. Boom. Walls move. So I
walked back out. What the fuck. You guys have been doing this. It
turned into a whole thing, which is its own story.
Why this oldie is here
Not to drag 2021 people into 2026 court in my head. The point of this
page is the pattern. This shop is mismanaged. Sometimes it is
fireworks. Sometimes it is a car kissing brick. Sometimes it is black
dust in your lungs. Sometimes tools past midnight. You just never know
what you are going to get. Living next to it is a fucking gamble. I
stay on guard because I have to.
Same alley. Same open bay energy. Different year, same roll of the
dice. File 311 when it is
your turn. Add your name if you are done
guessing.
Sixth tell · Ward 31
The Ferret of the 31st Ward
Ward 31 · complaints on the desk
Listen · storytime
Tap the pipe. Smoke means it’s running.
On the corner of George where the alley runs tight,
Stands a house built of brick that has weathered the years.
And those bricks were just fine till a truck, late at night,
Back-backed in a crunch, making hairline cracks clear.
So I called on the Ferret who was voted to lead
In the ward that they number as Thirty-and-One.
And old Felix came round and said, "Yes, sir, indeed!
DOT's on the way, so consider it done!"
Then the Ferret went quiet. The silence got thick.
Not a memo was written. Was the inspector sent?
While a second truck backed up and cracked a bit more brick,
As the tire shop workers helped guide how it went.
Then a third and a fourth, and another hit-and-run,
With the shop helping drivers slip out to the street.
When August brought damage, I asked what was done:
"Just give it some time," said his office on repeat.
Now, since twenty-twenty-one, Felix wiggled his nose,
Ducked under his desk, and squirmed out of sight.
He promised us action, then struck a cool pose,
While the wall keeps on cracking every time it is night.
So if you're in the Ward and you've written and called,
Just to watch Alderman Felix slip under the door,
Come sign on the line. We are logging it all.
There's a number below, and a block taking score.
Add your name
if you've been ghosted too. File
311 for the noise.
